Films For the Fustilarian

Having their correspondents deliver their reports while holding swords and shields, while also standing in front of a green screen playing footage of completely irrelevant movies, might be the best business decision FOX News could make right now. Come on FNC: Make it happen.

It looks like the majority of future videos for FFF are to be criticized by means of audio commentary. Frankly, it saves a lot of time and hassle, and I honestly think it comes out more entertaining than reading giant walls of text.

You can attempt to endure the original video by following this link, as well as read my original comments in the comments section. For some extra chuckles, you can read Jesse’s thread on the Mega64ums, in which he goes crying back to his forum pals when he discovers that people have not taken kindly to his brand of crap.

I’m pretty sure the cameraman knocked back a few “cuops” before heading out to film this atrocity.

Now with audio commentary! Featuring Catalyst and John. Because honestly, I didn’t feel like typing a whole thing out for this one. Here’s a link to the original, for those of you brave enough to watch it without our commentary on top of it.

In what is the quickest response to a posted video so far [from the original submitters], I received a comment from the JipsyNeighbors Youtube account on my submitted copy of their “Banana Phone” video.

lmao. thanks for helping us. I love how you took all this time to make a blog post, to get our video and post it on youtube thanks! And the funny thing is our video has 55,0000 (as of 12/10/08) and your videos have nothing. lol. we would get mad if someone else did this. But since ur life seems so pathetic we will thank you, and laugh it off.

Hmm… Well, I’ve gotten angrier (ie; “funnier”) reactions from people in the past, but this is bitterly written enough to warrant commenting on. The first thing the author mentions is how helpful I have been to them, in reposting their video and writing my article on it. Funnily enough, they follow up this comment by posting the amount of hits their video has received. Granted, it exceeds the total number of hits on all my videos submitted thus far, but the fuck does that have to do with anything? We’re discussing a website here on which a video of a cat riding a Roomba can exceed 2.5 million hits within the course of a month. Hits are completely irrelevant, and entirely non-indicative of quality.

They would apparently get mad if “someone else did this”. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Would it be okay for anyone else to copy, paste, and post my article, but because it was specifically done by me it’s some kind of a joke? That seems somewhat exclusive. Maybe they are fine with it because my life “seems so pathetic”, based on the fact I spent ten minutes writing up an article on how much their video sucks. You know what I personally find pathetic? Ripping off a cartoon shot for shot and bragging about how many of your friends you’ve convinced to re-watch your video on Youtube. Leave it to a group of thirteen year olds who do not understand the concept of “original content” to mock me for making fun of their video, based on an ancient internet cartoon. But no, I’m the pathetic one here, for not joining the comments circle-jerk on their video and complimenting their shitty video with the rest of the Tubetards.

Children are not entitled to opinions: Freedom of speech and the right to argue with adults does not apply to you. Furthermore, you are not entitled to produce, direct, write, or otherwise associate yourself with film. Wait until your goddamn balls drop before you even think about holding the camera.

Remember that “Banana Phone” cartoon that exploded a while back on Newgrounds, and all the other various flash animation hosting sites? It took an obscure song by Raffi, set it to crude and simple animation, and laid onto it casual swearing and gratuitous violence. It was chuckle-worthy, I will admit, and the titular song became a staple internet meme almost overnight. That was years ago. Now, it’s tired old garbage with no place on the internet other than as a weapon for utilization by audio spammers on Counter-Strike. However, the fact that it’s no longer relevant [or even mildly amusing] didn’t stop this recently-formed children’s comedy troupe from making a complete live-action remake of the cartoon, long after the joke has passed. And what’s more, it’s not even of a decent production value. Who could have seen that coming?

Before we even begin tearing apart this video, let us first come to know our band of brothers [or “Neighbors”, rather] a bit better: The video description and their responses to comments on the video demonstrate their reluctance to swear so frequently. In their defense, they state that it is a “part of the original cartoon”. Nevermind the fact they could just as easily have rewritten the lines to make them family friendly, if they detest cursing so much. If they are so reluctant to curse on camera, than why base your video on an animation that includes so much fucking swearing in the first place? It’s not as if they were held at gunpoint and forced to film this horrid film, using the exact lines from the original cartoon. You either edit the lines, or find a new fucking script to work with: It isn’t all that difficult, children.

Trying to come up with a fitting analogy for this video, I came up with this: Remember that awful 1998 version of Psycho, which seeked to be a shot-for-shot remake of the original Hitchcock film? Remember how every film critic lashed out against director Gus Van Sant telling him how pointless it is to recreate a film shot-for-shot, and how awful his film was for attempting it? Apparently, these kids aren’t familiar with this story of film and failure, as their short film attempts a similar tactic with similar results. Flashing red frames, audio ques, and every line of dialogue is recreated to the best of their ability; For what it’s worth, they stick pretty close to the original cartoon, as far as the more major details are concerned. What the video fails to do is provide decent camerawork, audio mixing, competent acting, or anything resembling quality.

The editing work is sloppy at best. Within the first ten seconds of the video, we are treated to the “flashing color” overlay [as seen in the cartoon] failing to actually fill the frame, a mistake which is not corrected in future occurrences of the effect. There is inconsistency in the time between lines, at times having little more than a second between each character’s dialogue, and at others having to sit through the same shot of an actor seconds after his line has been delivered. When it comes time for the big finale, with our character in the white t-shirt [originally a gray tank top] beating to death the character with the tie, you might even be caught off-guard by just how haphazardly the shots are thrown together. It’s almost unwatchable based on these grounds alone.

But of course, the torture doesn’t end with terrible editing: We must endure terrible acting and delivery as well. The line delivery is so forced, I’m almost convinced the actors actually were held at gunpoint and forced to perform. From every aspect to the body language and the tone of their grating voices, no shred of quality is spared and no scrap of competency is left for display. Luckily, the voice track is so low in comparison to how loud the song is, that you can just barely hear how badly they are acting. The only positive note I could write was that they managed to avoid looking into the camera when the shot didn’t call for it. So, congratulations for that, I suppose.

I must pose the question, who was this video made for? Fans of the original cartoon? Fans of dated internet memes? Fans of shot-by-shot reenactment films? Judging from the comments, I suppose the film has managed to make it’s mark with the demographic that matters most on the internet: The blissfully ignorant. Get a load of some of these gems, if you please.

declancf: thats awesome dude, good acting aswell, cheers

RickyJOYNT:nice video! And nice use of catsup on his hands! really funny :)

theish101: haha, this is like a perfect reenactment. but the acting was metokur or however u spell it. but overall pretty good 4/5 stars

What does this unwarranted appreciation by those unworthy to judge mean in the long run? Fueled by the “positive reaction” from the Youtube community, this miserable group of unfortunate adolescents will continue to produce videos, and pollute the internet with their abysmal projects. They’ll most likely figure that they hit a goldmine with “reenactment videos”, and continue to make movies based on dated internet fads. These imbeciles need to be stopped before they hit it big, and make profit for their pitiful performances.

Search boxes in embedded videos, “user-friendly site interface” at the expense of easy access to advanced features, and forced widescreen which causes letterboxing on the left and right sides of the frame on video pages? These changes take priority over sorting out the fucking account preferences and account settings menus, which are currently a convoluted abomination of text and boxes, and perhaps not holding out on the general public anymore by allowing the easy toggling option of “viewing in high quality” on all videos, as opposed to the ones you seemingly draw out of a goddamn hat?

Fuck your site design consultants and the horse they rode in on, Youtube.

I’ve never been a fan of magicians, magic tricks, magic shows, or any other bullshit performance material including the word “magic”. And honestly, with the amount of useless magic trick videos on the internet, I really don’t have much respect for the people who submit them either. How I ended up stumbling across this one I can’t even remember, and why I bothered watching it all the way through is beyond me. All I know is, it hasn’t helped much to improve my opinions on magic.

The premise is, this second-rate magician Brian Fantastic is having a falling out with his lisp-afflicted girlfriend, as she doesn’t seem to appreciate his constant magic trickery. This sets up the video to include many gimmick shots of magic tricks in action, and the inclusion of one-line magician cliches. As you can imagine, this gets relatively old relatively quick, which in the filmmaker’s defense, is sort of the point of it: The entire point of the video is to demonstrate how annoying these tricks are in a personal sort of setting, and how tedious it can be to watch someone doing them in rapid succession. That still doesn’t alter the fact that we, as the viewer, have to sit through each trick as the girlfriend has to.

As far as the camerawork goes, it does a well enough job of providing us multiple shots, and the quality of the footage and the lighting conditions really aren’t all that terrible. There are a few errors in the continuity, which are mostly excusable, but some of which are a bit too distracting. Some of the shots could have been centered better, namely the shots which feature only one subject on-screen. These shots would work so much better if the subjects were right there centered in the frame, yet the cameraman felt some need to keep them towards the sides of the screen instead. Still, as far as the cinematography is overall concerned, it demonstrates at least some level of competence of the man behind the camera.

So, you might be asking yourself, what’s so bad about this video that inspired me to do a full review of it? Let us discuss the most apparent flaw of the video: How piss-poor a performance the character of the girlfriend puts on. Sure, Brian Fantastic isn’t winning any awards for his acting, but his entire character centers around being cheesy and cliche. The girlfriend, on the other hand, puts on an absolutely miserable show, in her delivery and her timing. As mentioned before, the actress’s lisp really comes out with the delivery of each of her forced lines, and is almost difficult to listen to. Tack onto this just how poorly written her lines are, and her part is completely unsalvageable.

This video perfectly demonstrates the importance of good casting, and how one actor [or actress] can compromise what might otherwise be an otherwise simply unspectacular video, or even one with some amount of potential behind it. Unfortunately, Brian Fantastic does not fall into the latter, and the inclusion of this incompetent louse only serves to make a generic, tiresome, bland video worse than it already is, and almost unwatchable.

Countdowns are a staple of internet video sharing and hosting sites. Who can resist the allure and the speculation of what one or many may consider to be the best or the worst of a certain subject? Well, if you watch enough of these half-assed clip countdowns on Youtube with the least possible effort put into them and the worst editing this side of a shitty anime music video, you’ll begin to question the possibility of any sort of quality being able to come out of one of these videos. Don’t let the trash fool you, however, as there is hope for this filmmaker’s fad.

In this video, I demonstrate some of the qualities which can make for a decent piece of video countdown. Of course, the first and foremost consideration you must make is that your subject matter is in some way interesting, or that it will appeal to at least some audience. This usually isn’t too hard a concept to grasp, and it seems one might have to go out of their way to find something so uninteresting that nobody will be willing to watch it. If you’re possibly thinking of doing countdowns on a regular basis, for your namesake or your video genre of choice, I recommend starting off with something music or film related: People will always flock to anything with the chance of hearing some of their favorite music or watching clips from their favorite piece of cinema.

Speaking of which, if you plan on doing a countdown on some specific form of media, make sure to include video clips or audio from it! You wouldn’t believe how many utterly useless videos there are out there counting down an editor’s favorite songs, without actually incorporating audio from the songs! If you can’t secure footage of the subject you wish to bring up, what’s the fucking point of making the video in the first place? And no, screenshots from your favorite games and movies do NOT count: Provide video, or don’t bother. If you absolutely need to include a screenshot, make sure it is there to supplement the video footage.

If there’s one thing I absolutely detest in a video countdown, namely for movies and games, it’s fucking walls of text that cover the screen in the form of editor commentary. If you’re going to provide us with some “witty observations”, do it with your fucking voice or don’t do it at all: Text is distracting, and takes away from the video that is playing out. The only time notation is acceptable is for musical countdowns, where your grating voice might take away from the music that is playing. Bear in mind, it’s within the realm of taste to not bore your viewer to death with any of your commentary at all, and just let them watch or listen.

That last bit doesn’t mean that you can get away without putting ANY text in. You’re still going to need a proper introduction which sets up the clips you are about to show, as well as numbering between each clip to note what the order is and the current progress into the video. You should also find it necessary to cite the source and the title of the material used in the video. This may mean having a brief window or bit of text at the bottom of the screen which provides this information, before fading away and allowing the video to become the viewer’s subject again. If you feel the need to incorporate some graphic along with the text, by all means do so, but ensure that it is not too distracting from the video or that it is not so large as to fill the entire screen as the video is playing.

There are many other measures one may take to ensure their countdown is of an optimal quality, but with any luck these [what should be by now] common sense tips should help you to make something more watchable or interesting than eighty percent of the other awful countdowns on Youtube. I admit, my video countdown might not be perfection, but then again, what is? Just consider this a bit of an advertisement for a great channel that you should really check out if you love the whole “video riffing” genre.

Retsupurae’s Youtube Channel

I apologize for the lack of recent updates, both content-wise and news-wise. I’ve been a bit under the weather for the past few weeks, which renders me unable to do much commentary-wise for the big Ax ‘Em review: A lot of coughing and all, which I figure nobody wants to listen to during an audio commentary. Other than that, I’ve also been pretty busy with leaving DHC and trying to gather my bearings. I don’t mean to use this webspace to whine and make excuses, so if you are seriously interested in what I’ve been doing the past few weeks, you can just go ahead and read it on my devBlog.

As far as actual updates for this page go, I have a few new Youtube reviews in the works, including one which is already almost half-written. There are a few others which are simply in the planning stage in the moment, but they will come in the near future. As far as the Ax ‘Em commentary goes, I’d say you might be able to expect that to come in early December at the soonest, early January at the latest. See? None of that is dreadfully too long now, is it?

Keep checking back here, on the Youtube video channel, and on the devBlog for updates.

I’m back already? I’m surprised too! Here’s the first of maybe a few short little reviews before the Ax ‘Em mega review comes out.

The Dark Knight was a solid movie, I’ll admit. I’ll always be more of a fan of the Jack Nicholson Joker, but I have to admit Heath Ledger put on quite a show. The expert camerawork and well-written dialogue didn’t hurt the movie, either. Probably one of the best scenes in the movie is the confrontation between the Joker and Batman in the interrogation room, with both characters and at ends with one another and their respective actors putting on great performances. Great scene from a great movie. Now, with all that out of the way, here’s a shitty fan tribute which relies on one joke being told a hundred times with almost no variation and almost no comedic effect.

The thing to know about the movie is, Bruce Wayne disguises his voice when he is acting as the Batman, and many would argue that the extent to which he alters his voice borders on ridiculous. Apparently, MonkeyandApple feels it crosses this line, and thought to himself that he could make an entire 3 minute video about it. While the costume work in this fan video is fine, with some close-enough replica costumes on our actor (Yes, it’s the same guy playing both roles), and the acting could probably be worse, it is still a very flawed piece of work. The worst offense, as I mentioned before, is that the video consists of the same joke over and over again. Batman says his line, the Joker tells him he doesn’t understand it. Rinse, lather, repeat. They both try each others patience, and eventually, we are introduced to a new physical gag nearly halfway through the video, when the Batman punches the Joker in the face. Then, the video continues with these two repeating gags, with Batman saying something, the Joker not understanding it, and Batman punching the Joker in the face. It gets old quick.

Another thing: Couldn’t he have done a bit more with his little green screen? The entire video consists of two repeating shots, from the same angles, on top of the same two backgrounds. I know there’s not much one can do with limited space and limited effects, but he could have at least had a shot or two with the Joker and Batman in the same shot. It’s not that hard to do with green screen footage, and minimal video editing / chroma key experience. At the very least, insisting that both characters never be in the same shot, he could have at least had the angle shift once or twice, or maybe show us a character from the back for a second. The only place to pin the blame on this is laziness, as he is obviously experienced enough to understand the concept of a “green screen”, and thus should be able to figure out how to move his camera.

All in all, what could have been a decently professional piece, which sadly falls under the categories of “lost potential” and “pure laziness”. Better luck next time, kiddo.

Yeah, a temporary hiatus this early in the site’s life? What the hell am I thinking? Well, I’ll tell you what I’m thinking: Massive, major, complete walkthrough and review of an actual movie. Well, really, when I say movie, I mean straight-to-DVD. And, actually, when I say straight-to-DVD, I mean a movie that was shot in 1990 and shelved until 2002, when it was released onto DVD and VHS. That’s right, I’m going to attempt to tackle Michael Mfume’s classic: Ax ‘Em.

Yeah, I sort of hinted at it in the last article, but let it be known that I am working on a full review / walkthrough of this catastrophe. I’ve owned it on DVD for some time, actually, as it sits next to Manos the Hands of Fate in my DVD collection. Because, where else would you sit something as bad as Ax ‘Em, other than the most widely accepted awful movie of all time? But wait a minute, I know what you might be thinking. If I have Manos, why bother with such an obscure bit of shit as Ax ‘Em? Well, the question answers itself: It’s because it’s so obscure, and Manos is so widely known. Manos already got served by Mystery Science Theater 3000 and every other bad movie review site, whereas Ax ‘Em has been seen by all of maybe 400 people. Also, as far as I’m concerned, and from having watched both films multiple times (I don’t know why either), Ax ‘Em beats Manos as the “worst of all time”.

I might even be breaking my promise of going on break, serving up a few short Youtube video reviews, or maybe even trying my hand at a music video review or two. Or then again, maybe I won’t. I’m totally unpredictable like that, you know? Stay tuned for that full review though, and see if I update at all before it.

So, what do you get when you mix talentless, genuinely unfunny children with uninspired writing and cinematography? Why, you have yourself a production by the “FlamingLamp” video channel, another worthless comedy troupe which reminds me why I hate children. I have to admit: I could never bring myself to watch all eleven of their videos [currently uploaded as of the writing of this review]. I think I’ve sat through maybe five of them, and skimmed through another two or three. But that’s all I can stand to bear. The videos are just that awful. I’ll give them credit for not all being one continuous camera shot, but with writing and acting this bad, it wouldn’t matter if they brought Conrad L. Hall back from the dead to act as their director of photography: Not even his brilliance behind a camera can make up for how supremely awful their brand of comedy is. It would be like putting glitter on a turd, so to speak. But enough ranting: Time for some serious reviewing.

Alright, this video just about sums up every video the channel has put out. You have your children (the actors) running around all over the place, usually yelling or screaming or abusing their high pitched voices in some way or another. The humor attempts to delve into both the surreal and slapstick, both failing miserably. For instance, this video [titled “Note”] opens up with a child stuffing a boot into the oven, which after being cooked, transforms into a note from his mother telling him to do his homework. Is this phenomenon ever explained? Of course not. Is it humorous? I can’t imagine it ever being further from it. As far as the slapstick element goes, the writers will often fall back to it when they can’t conjure up any more random combination’s of nouns and adjectives. This involves people being shot, tripping on grass (not like that, you fucking stoner), and falling off of scooters. This is all well and good… If you’re entertaining a class of kindergartners. Otherwise, since all the “stunts” are so painfully staged and unrealistic, you’ll just be wishing something went wrong and one of the actors was actually caught on camera in serious pain.

And the dialogue: What can be said about the dialogue? I, for one, would rather sit through “Lee Inn!”, being blissfully ignorant as to what anyone is actually saying. Say, what do you get when you mix horrible dialogue and grating voices? Just about every line delivered in the videos these fuckers have put out. In some videos, repetition is the key (”Do your homework! Do your homework! Why aren’t you doing your homework?”), while in others the gag consists of obnoxiously long run-on sentences and quick speaking, which is an absolutely horrible combination to have [as seen in the “Nintendo” video]. In other videos, they attempt to write in some TOTALLY HILARIOUS jokes, all of which end up falling flat on their face [as seen in the “Hopscotch” video]. In one video, we finally get away from having to look at the actors themselves, but at the same time are treated to a barrage of annoying voices and poorly written lines of dialogue, in what might possibly be the worst stop-motion Lego video on the internet [“Spideybob LukePants”].

To comment on the camerawork and cinematography; What cinematography? Cinematography is derived from the Greek “kinesis” (movement) and “grapho” (to record), and is defined as the discipline of making lighting and camera choices when recording photographic images for the cinema. There is no discipline or technique to speak of here. The biggest decision they ever have to make in terms of camerawork is where to drop the camera, and when to stop recording. And for those who will tell me “Give them a break, John: They’re just kids. They don’t need to know advanced camera technique”: I hold everyone, including children, to the same standard of decency in camerawork. You have to at least understand the concepts of “zoom”, “panning”, and “focus” that everyone else knows of and adheres to. When light pours into a dark room, it can cause a camera to go completely out of focus, blurring the visuals and making it hard to distinguish certain objects, let alone read essential text on a piece of paper sitting on the floor. The cameraman filming for FlamingLamp doesn’t seem to understand this concept, and the editor seems to care even less. It’s also sort of unprofessional to have your own hands and feet sneaking their way into shots as the cameraman, yet to FlamingLamp a shot such as this is completely acceptable if it means getting to the next shot. And for fucks sake, if you’re going to film a television or computer, make sure your camera is in a mode which eliminates those giant black fucking bars that scroll across the screen and get in the way of what’s on-screen, especially if you plan on filming said screen for anything longer than 5 fucking seconds.

That’s it, I’m done with this shit: Every video up until now has been somewhat funny in an awful sort of way, or comedic is how terrible it is. But there’s nothing funny about this. Nothing intentionally funny, and nothing unintentionally funny. There is no excuse for crap like this, and it’s mere presence on the internet makes me FUCKING RAGE. FlamingLamp, I hereby condemn you to the deepest, darkest region of all of Film Hell, where all horrible movies and videos go to FUCKING DIE. Your films must rot in the same pile as the original film reel for Ax ‘Em, the worst straight-to-video release to ever disgrace a television screen.

SEE YOU IN HELL, FLAMINGLAMP.

So, as you may or may not know, I reviewed a short film a while back titled “Lee Inn!”, submitted by a “LilAzn49”. Well, apparently, after re-submitting his video to Youtube for the FFF Youtube Channel, I somehow managed to get his attention, and he sent me a private message over the Youtube messaging system. How he noticed my submitting his video is beyond me: One can only assume he patiently sits in front of his computer waiting for comments or waiting for people to respond to his videos. Either way, he left me with this message, which I will now share with you in the interest of “fueling the fire”.

hi im Lee, yes of course i was the asian kid. i have read ur review. i love it lol.
bad hair cut? not a bad haircut but the scream mask ruined my hair.
ummm but plz dont be stero type and name me soo fuu young.
this is a middle school project, we did it for a grade….of course its not gona be sooo great.
well but if u wana fix ur review, ummm heres the actors and who they play, also what happan during the crap film.
Lee - scream, hotel manager
Jaren - camera man, editor
malik - blk shirt, red shorts.
ryan - blk shirt, silver shorts.
moe - camo jacket
bryant - blk kid XD

film:
the four kids, won a trip to a hotel some were off a radio quiz. they head to the hotel which was the auditorium, and jaren pointed out dat there was no drink or food. walks in hotel jokes around and BOO i appeared.
walks in the asian managers room and BOO there i am again. [ with me BAD hair cut]
asian manager leads them to there room [BTW the music in the background during the hotel was strings practice or band i forgot]
they TELEPORTED to the caf as Macdonald’s or something and order food.
while screams spy on them. Moe caught scream but no 1 balieves him.
they TELEPORTED back to the room and decided to sleep…..or gay sex LOL!
bryant was acted retarded sooo malik and ryan went some where outa da room.
while scream snucked in while malik and ryan went out and nevah looked to the left. rooms appear to be dark, as u can see in 10 secs or so, scream came in and slaughtered moe and bryant.
when malik and ryan enter the room, scream snucked out and ryan saw it.
scream antecedently drop the sword.
ryan went into the room, saw screamed, and showed my face.
got into a chase, i got owned with PLASTIC SWORDS.
malik and ryan ran to get cops. [ u can see the teacher near the door during the scene]
i came back alive.
THE END

lol funny shit while we did this tho XD i dont care if its bad, i rather enjoy a good school life.

any question, just ask me Lol.

Well… This is actually disappointing. I was hoping my first response from an original submitter would be filled with swearing and death threats. This, however… It seems he actually clears a few things up in the original video here, in his own nonsensical and self-parodying sort of way. For example, apparently Byrant (Samuel Jones) was killed along with Moe (Kermit) in the dark room, as opposed to my original theory of him just disappearing and his white friends being such fucking dicks to minorities that they didn’t even bother looking for him. Thank god THIS mystery was cleared up for the film historians, so we can fix the synopsis on the IMDb and get Roger Ebert to re-write his review. And speaking of re-writing reviews, LilAzn49 also asks me to change the name of “Soo Fuu Young: The Bruce Lee Experience” because he finds it “stereotypical”. Really now? You find that name offensive? Because, MY Asian friends thought it was totarry hirarrious, and commented on how fucking stereotypical a name “LilAzn49” is for a member of the Asian community. And I’m sorry Lee, but I’ve known my Asian friends far longer than I’ve known you or your video, so I’m going to have to go with them on this one.

If there’s nothing else to comment on, or any more advice to give me, good luck in the future, and get back to enjoying that “good school life” of yours and all that. I’ll be here, writing more horribly offensive reviews, making tongue-in-cheek comments on minorities, and responding to private messages on a public website. As far as response letters go, you’ve been a pretty good sport about the whole thing, so I’ll let you off the hook for all this. I won’t change the name, though: That would totally be damaging my integrity as a writer. Also, I’m too lazy to go back and edit the old review. Also, I still think it’s funny. Also, your name is “LilAzn49”, for fucks sake.

Many Youtubers and horror movie fans may be familiar with the “Garbage Day” clip, from the hilariously inept film Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. If you are not, it’s the one that goes like this. Funny on it’s own? Yes. Easy to make fun of? Sure. But are garbage day parodies any good? You might actually be surprised to find that a few of them are, namely the parodies produced by the “somethingday” video channel on Youtube. These parodies work because they near perfectly emulate the cinematography of the original movie, while adding a genuinely humorous variation to every episode. My personal favorite is their “Four Twentay!” video, because while it adds so many variations and changes so much, it still follows so closely to the original in it’s build-up and camerawork. In short, the somethingday videos are examples of satire done well. So, let rifleman1812’s “Guitar Hero Day” serve as the example of satire done completely wrong, with no comedic effect to speak of.

A bit of a foreword on this one: This is the filmmaker’s first attempt at a live action video. Don’t think that means I’m going to go easy on him or anything like that. I only bring it up because his other [non live-action] videos are tributes to the infamously awful brower-based MMORPG, Runescape, complete with the Hypercam watermark in the top left corner and horrible Windows Movie Maker editing work. With a body of work this awful, no good can come of a foray into live action parody. Sure enough, the first thing we see is the filmmaker’s production insert, displaying a poorly rendered Runescape character and sniper rifle. Immediately after his insert fades out, we are treated to some child playing Guitar Hero [poorly], hence the “Guitar Hero Day!” title I suppose. Also, for reasons still unbeknown, the filmmaker decided that this shot of watching a child play Guitar Hero needed to last an entire 36 seconds, complete with poorly done manual panning and the viewer not knowing whether the player or the screen is the subject.

Eventually, the child finishes the song, does a bit of gloating, and picks his toy guitar up off of the floor. Cue the imitation of “picking up the garbage bin” shot of the original movie, and our shooter character is revealed as the guitar is removed from the frame. For a two second shot, it does a good enough job of sticking with the movie shot. Next shot, our close up of the shooter saying what day it is. In this case, “Guitar Hero day”. Cut to the puzzled reaction of the guitar player, and cut back to our shooter raising his gun. As far as sticking to the formula goes, they aren’t doing an awful job of it [aside from generally shaky camerawork], but it’s all ruined by the lame day gag and general lack of creativity. Another reason the somethingday videos worked was because the shooters would dress up in elaborate costumes related to the day in question, a nice touch that acted as an additional visual gag. In this video, our shooter is dressed plainly just as the guitar player is. Maybe a band t-shirt would have added to the effect, but I guess that was too hard to get a hold of or something for them. And then there’s the subject of it being “Guitar Hero day”. Really, is that the best they could come up with? Another reason the somethingday videos worked: They were actual holidays or conceivable events on someone’s calender. Guitar Hero day seems like the filmmaker looked around the room for ten seconds, saw his copy of Guitar Hero, and said “fuck it, let’s just go with that”.

Now the cinematography portion of the formula breaks down. The shot is fired, and the guitar hero hits the floor in one shot. Not even comparing it to somethingday right now, but compare this to the original video itself. One of the funny bits in the original is how much “drama” is added to the death of the garbage man dying by splicing together four or five different angles of him falling. The somethingday videos also acknowledge this effect. rifleman1812 does not, and the effect is removed. There are some parodies that can get away with missing one or two shots, but when your subject of satire is a 20 second clip, every shot and angle counts. Add to this lack of faithfulness to the original movie that the shots of the shooter laughing deviate almost entirely from the source material, and you are left with an end to the parody portion of the video that is completely underwhelming and highly dissapointing. Follow this up with an unnecessary end credits sequence nearly as long as the actual video [or longer, if you don’t count the unnecessary 36 seconds of the game being played], and the joke is completely lost.

If you’re in the market for good Garbage Day parodies, savor the 7 videos released by somethingday: That’s the best you are going to get in terms of faithfulness and humor. And a message to rifleman1812, if he should ever read this: Don’t even bother going back to Runescape videos. Some people just aren’t cut out to make videos. Also, give me all your fucking movie posters. Not only do you not deserve to hang them up on your walls, but I need more posters for my room as it is.

For your convenience, Films For the Fustilarian now has it’s own channel on Youtube. The review articles will still be posted here, but the videos will also be viewable on the channel should the original authors ever decide to destroy any evidence of their shame.

Oh, and it might just help generate a bit of attention for the site if we have an account. And to be honest, I haven’t gotten any good hate mail in a while.

Visit the FilmsForFustilarians Channel

So, here’s a kid whose entire body of work, which itself is still ever-expanding and frequently updated, has not evolved or seemingly made any attempts at improving from it’s original [and current] state of complete and utter garbage. Yes, I’m talking about “The Jawsus” himself, Pruane2Forever. For those of you not already familiar with his “work”, this video [released by the man himself] seems to sum it up best. If you want to learn more about the person himself, I would suggest reading the Encyclopedia Dramatica article.

This article is not about how much of a pretentious, uneducated, childish clusterfuck of a human being Mr. Jawsus is: Honestly, the Encyclopedia Dramatica article does a perfect job of pointing all this out. What that article does NOT provide, however, is a subjective analysis of his body of work, and a perspective on his videos beyond the hypocrisy of his rantings and the sound of his voice. I hope to provide you, the reader, with this today.

So, where to begin? Well, for the most part, Pruane2Forever videos fall under one of two categories: His review / rant setup [which I will be covering first], and his more rare attempts at “short film” with zero production value.

My Rambo review! This is my review on Rambo. I went to see Rambo.

For all of his “reviews” and “rants”, he chooses to film in his bedroom. This is fine for a standard video blogger, except when their room seems to always have horrible lighting and when the background can be so busy, that it can take away from the subject / reviewer. His bookcase, frequently changing posters, and other props are usually more worth looking at than staring directly into the face of Jawsus. There are really only two ways to go with video reviews and rant pieces, and this goes for everyone: You can either dictate your opinions over clips and footage of the subject you are reviewing or ranting, or you can choose to have the camera turned towards you and film in front of a minimalist background, perhaps sparing a single bookcase or wall ornament. And even then, with a “camera-on-you” video, there is some degree of editing involved, whether it be to remove dead air time or to amend mistakes you may have made in your speaking. A perfect example of this [which might actually abuse the feature a little frequently] is Ask a Ninja, which although being a lame and unfunny series, does at least display semi-competence in it’s editing and ability to keep the viewers attention and to remove time spent not talking, which in a segment such as itself, is time wasted.

Instead, Jawsus opts to use what give the impression of being first-take shoots, not to bother editing outside of perhaps adding a title card, to seemingly improvise all his dialogue, and hope for the best. This approach is very risky, and for the most part, yields low-end results. I suppose the exception to this would be Dr. Ashens, who has used the formula in the past and managed to pull it off by using his wit and rather different approach to subject matter, and by actually proving his editing chops in more recent videos. But this isn’t a review on Dr. Ashens. Hell, I feel ashamed for even associating him with the garbage that is Pruane2Forever. My point is, Jawsus lacks the skills to pull off the format which he so frequently uses, which negates any points he may receive for actually managing to be audible [a gift which has not yet been given to us by a video reviewed on this webpage] and keeping the camera steadily focused on him. And yes, of course, his dialogue is horrendous and his mannerisms unnerving at best. Consider his video reviews and rants miserable failure, only good for a laugh at his expense and for the chance to watch him say incredibly stupid things on a consistent basis.

Let this be a lesson to all those emos contemplating suicide: Suicide is never the answer. You have just learned a valuable lesson from Mr. Lion and Pruane2Forever.

Moving on to some of his more “serious” film works, Jawsus has filmed a number of “short film” projects over the years and submitted them to Youtube for the attention. There seems to be no deeper goal or greater reason for his submitting his videos onto Youtube; Just the typical “unwarranted self-importance” and “camwhore” mentality. Jawsus was originally most well-known for his series of short films documenting himself, playing the character of “The Sexinator”, fighting against two of his schoolyard chums as a Terminator-esque kind of robot, which basically amounted to the three of them shooting each other with airguns and spewing nonsensical dialogue at each other. On the bright side, at least it got his camera out of the fucking bedroom from time to time. And honestly, I would have loved to have linked you to one or two of these videos hosted on his profile. Sadly, and for reasons unknown, he personally removed several of his Sexinator videos from his profile.

But even without them to mock and criticize, there still remains nearly two dozen short film videos, all of which amount to a camera focused on Jawsus performing some sort of act that only he and his two friends might find funny. To think that this child honestly believes he has any form of talent or skill as a filmmaker is ridiculous, leaving only the possibility [and most likely the reality] that he knows damn well his videos are garbage, yet he still submits them for the publicity and the attention. Once again, these videos are funny, but only because the man himself is so ignorant you might get a laugh at his expense, once again. But in terms of quality, sadly, there is none to be found, and nothing to be salvaged. What a waste of a video camera, you know? It’s sad, really.

Now, many have speculated the possibility that Pruane2Forever is a troll, much like the eerily similar DaxFlame. If this is the case, than all I can say is, well-played, good sir; From watching his collection of videos, I would be completely under the impression that he was just an untalented, obnoxious, mind-numbingly idiotic 13 year old fighting to elongate his 15 minutes of fame on the internet circuit. And until someone can provide the internet with the “damning evidence” that Mr. Jawsus is an elaborate troll, I shall continue to watch if not only to remember everything that must never be done in film, and to laugh at his daily pathetic attempts at coming off as an expert on the current social structure and the culture of the internet. As for the movie reviews, he should just leave it to the professionals.

This isn’t going to be a full walkthrough review like my previous two reviews. The first reason being, it’s 10 fucking minutes long, and who the fuck would want to read a step by step synopsis of a 10 minute video on Youtube that would probably take longer to read than to watch? If your answer to that question is “Me!”, tough. Secondly, as this section is still fairly new, I’d like to try out some new things, and work out a proper format, so today I’m going to attempt a more proper review.

So, here’s another school project, which takes influence from the popular Resident Evil series of video games. As somewhat of a veteran of the series myself, I knew immediately that I would need to brace for impact and lower all expectations before attempting to watch this film. Sure enough, the entire cast is composed of 15 year old boys, and the filming locations amount to their own neighborhood and the inside of their homes. This does not bode well for a film with a setting in what is supposed to be a fairly urbanized city. At least some of the details from the games are retained, including a character introduction which pays homage to the live action character introduction of the first game [keeping close enough to form, though still victim to the low production values] and a story which acknowledges events from the game.

The story takes place some time following the Raccoon City incident of RE2&3, with a “special team” being sent in to “quarantine the remaining infected areas”. Of course, the problem here for fans of the series is that the entire city is obliterated by means of nuclear missile in the games, so obviously there must be nothing left. Did I say before the story acknowledges events from the games? Correction: It selectively acknowledges certain events, while completely ignoring key details. On the plus side, all the characters are named within the first minute of the film, so this should be easy to follow along with. I am actually impressed with [some of] the costumes, which do [slightly] resemble the combat garbs of the characters of the games, complete with “RPD” (Raccoon Police Department) insignias and patches. Well, of course, the problem here is that once Raccoon City was nuked in the original game, that would effectively kill every member of the RPD. Furthermore, some of the uniforms just pale in comparison to others, some amounting to little more than vest-on-t-shirt and baseball caps. And once again, like many student films, the audio suffers in the fact that as the camcorder is set further back, dialogue is made harder to hear. Don’t get me wrong, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of “Lee Inn!”, but it’s still something to be frowned upon.

Zombie makeup and special effects are revealed early on to be almost non-existent, more being left to the imagination I would suppose and requiring the actors to identify who is a zombie and who isn’t for the viewer. At the beginning one member of the team is bitten by a man who is nothing more than a guy in a white t-shirt. The issue of zombies taking multiple shots to kill is addressed early on, which might help viewers not intimately familiar with the series. Continuing with the story, after their team member is bitten, the team sees more zombies in the distance, and attempt to find refuge in a nearby house. The dialogue is showing itself to be cringe worthy already, including such gems as “I’m Mexican, I know what I’m doing!”. The team apparently separates into two groups, as indicated by white text on black background. The fact that half of the plot is developed in text cards is somewhat disheartening, and definitely falls under the category of “amateurish”. There’s a reason people stopped using text cards after the era of silent film: Because there are voices to establish progression and make that whole “dialogue” thing easier on audiences.

After a scene in a garage, the men find a radio and discover there are more survivors in the city [once again, revealed by text]. Apparently, they must now fight their way out of the house they broke into, which they do, dealing with several more zombies. After finding the survivors, an event which we are made privy to once again by means of on-screen text, the text reveals that they go back to find other survivors. It seems as if every major event is retold in the form of text card, leaving us only with the zombie shooting bits. This might appease a room full of kids, but for a critic, it’s an obvious weak point. Even the most raw action movies [take any of the generic “Schwarzenegger as a commando” or Steven Seagal action flicks] have minimal plot progression via spoken dialogue. As time goes on, we do get to watch several of the team members die of the infection and barricade themselves, but still, even the discovery of a vaccine (a concoction which is never addressed or believed to exist in the series). Then, the film just kind of abruptly ends, with the team’s new mission of finding whoever has “the antidote”, and a shot of them walking off into the distance. Following which, we are treated to an “extra” scene with an Asian boy being eaten by zombies while on the toilet, accompanied by crude farting sound effects. Classy.

If there is one lesson to be learned from this “Resident Evil School Project”, it is that text cards are tedious as all hell. It was acceptable back in days of silent movies, but the reason “talkies” were pioneered in the first place was because people didn’t appreciate having to read lines that are meant to be spoken, or having to get all their information on the story as it develops from text prompts. If the plot progressions were established by spoken dialogue, this project might at the very least have been salvageable; A poorly done student film that at least made an attempt and establishing a story and taking the viewer along for the ride. But with screen after screen of text tossed in seemingly randomly between shots, there is no sense of pacing and a viewer can lose interest easily. If there’s anything else to take away from this, it is that school projects should never delve into the realm of video games, especially ones that deserve better tribute than this.

my middle school project, lee inn is the hotel just incase ur wondering and uh ENJOY!

This film project, done by a student for his middle school (Which to most people would be reason enough to not watch it), opens with some generic WordArt effect on a generic colorful background. Because, when you think “Horror Movie”, you think bright colors, right? Let this set the tone for this six minute experiment in torture, and for exactly how close to it’s supposed “Horror Movie” theme it will be able to stick.

The first shot is of four young boys talking next to a row of lockers. Why the camera needs to be so far back and leave so much room around the subjects, there’s no absolutely no reason. Additionaly, with the camera so far back, almost all of the dialogue in the scene is unintelligible, not aided by the fact that the actors either all have some sort of speech impediment or aren’t taking the project seriously enough to put any effort into making their lines audible. I’ll admit, I did laugh at the black kid essentially playing up the fact he’s black, going through all the motions, something you might not expect middle schoolers to pick up on and incorporate into their script. Man, kids these days grow up so fast.

The next shot features our four protagonists walking together through what appears to be a cafeteria, despite the fact that at the end of the previous shot the group can clearly be seen going seperate ways and directions from each other. Either there’s some sort of non-indicated time lapse or the editor is a complete fucktard. I’m leaning towards the latter. There is more unintelligible dialogue spoken, and a cameraman’s attempt at trying to point something out in a sign that says “No Food or Drink Allowed”. Actually, I am unsure as to what the cameraman attempts to point out, as directly below the first sign is another sign indicating the auditorium. But, as the zoom incorporates both signs and zooms out after one second, we may never know. The boys file into the auditorium, for more unintelligible fucking dialogue.

You know, the fact that none of the dialogue is audible makes it very hard to critique this film as a critic; I can’t tell you the quality of the dialogue and writing itself, nor can I establish for myself the names of any of the characters or locations. It makes it harder to point things out, and gives me less content to work with. To solve the character name dilemna, I shall appoint the names of the characters now. Let’s see here… Blonde kid with the black t-shirt and red shorts is now known as “Blondie”. The kid in what appears to be a camo jacket with short black hair shall now be known as “Kermit”. Our other child in a black t-shirt with white shorts is now named “Maple”, and our token black boy is “Samuel Jones”. With that out of the way, let us resume the analysis, and continue with the scene.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, because hey, I can’t understand a single fucking word anyone is saying, Kermit tackles Samuel Jones, who falls onto Blondie as they all fall to the floor. I’d call “Hate Crime”, but for some reason I’m pretty sure Samuel Jones deserved it. Despite the fact they are obviously supposed to be fighting, they all seem to be laughing and having a good time. The cameraman is enjoying the event so much, he turns the camera away from all the actors in a laughing fit… OR SO YOU WOULD ASSUME, because it turns out the change in angle is made to make a door the subject of the shot, which slowly opens on it’s own revealing another child clad in that generic fucking “Scream” mask with the fake bleeding effect that every other kid wears on Halloween. I guess this the establishment of our “Villain” or “Mysterious Presence”.

Cut to a shot of a random asian boy with a bad haircut! Since it’s obvious we won’t be able to hear his name any time in the near future, let’s call him “Soo Fuu Young: The Bruce Lee Experience”. Soo Fuu Young shares some words with our main party, none of which are to be heard by the viewer for whatever reason. And for whatever reason, the shot drags on for a complete minute, with Soo Fuu Young joining the party for another stroll down a hallway with inaudible dialogue. There’s music now, but it is also inaudible, drowned out by the overly loud unintelligible dialogue. If I had to assume what is happening in this shot, based on the knowledge that this is a movie about a hotel, I’d assume Soo Fuu Young is an employee of the hotel (which is actually the school), and is showing our party to their room. And, of course, the only reason I can think of for four guys to be traveling with each other and renting the same room (which is actually a supply closet) is for gay sex, which I assume they have before the next shot in a deserted cafeteria. Okay, so maybe gay sex has not been had [yet], but for some reason, Blondie and the gang have teleported from the supply closet to an empty cafeteria. Either there’s been a time lapse, or the group just got scammed into sleeping on tables atop tile floor.

More dialogue is had, with another shot of our monster / killer / apparition / kid in a Scream mask. Kermit apparently spots him before he ducks behind a trash bin, which Blondie, Samuel Jones, and Maple proceed to give him shit for. The gang then returns to what I assume is their room… But wasn’t the cafeteria their room, or was that really a time lapse before? I have no fucking clue, because there’s no fucking dialogue to give me any sense of time or order. And for some reason, the cameraman made the bold decision to shoot this scene in slow motion, or the editor to reduce the frames per second in editing. The dialogue is as understandable as ever, and it is revealed Kermit likes to sleep on the tops of tables under a pink trash bag. Not through dialogue, but through watching Kermit fall asleep on a table using a pink trash bag as a blanket. The screen goes black, which can mean that the lights have gone off, there’s a time lapse, or that the cameraman has absolutely no fucking clue what he’s doing. This darkness continues for another minute, complete with more dialogue that, you guessed it, nobody besides the writer can recite to this day. Something wakes the party up, and everyone leaves the room in search of something (?). Everyone except Kermit, that is. Or at least I think it’s Kermit; the lights are still off, so you can’t really tell.

I have no clue what happens next, but I think Kermit sees a bunch of ghosts playing around, before he is killed by Scream and the rest of the kids magically teleport into the room. Woah, that’s a lot of development during an almost complete blacked out sequence. But sure enough, when the lights come on, Kermit is covered in blood, on top of a table, either not quite dead yet or doing a bad job of playing dead. Blondie and Maple discover that Samuel Jones is nowhere to be found, and proceed to leave their dead / dying buddy to, well, die, I guess. On the way out, they pick up a bloody knife (?!). They walk into Soo Fuu Young’s room, to find none other than the killer himself, who has the balls to show his face for a second, though I can’t honestly tell you who it is behind the mask due to the shit camerawork and to be honest, an almost complete lack of interest.

An intense (read, “incredibly lame”) chase occurs, and Maple and Blondie turn the tables on Scream, killing him, and revealing him to be none other than Soo Fuu Young himself (SPOILER ALERT)! So, he’s dead, and Blondie and Maple walk off leaving Samuel behind, never bothering to look for him (Some friends they are). And, of course, as the obligatory “last second shock moment” which every horror movie has insisted on including since the original Friday the 13th, Soo Fuu Young rises from the floor and walks off as if being repeatedly slapped by a toy plastic sword had no effect on him. Shocking. The credits roll, and once again, they don’t do a very good job of clearing up who’s who. Apparently, the guy who played the azn hotel manager and Scream is a guy named “Lee”, but as far as the kids are concerned, we are only given the names of the actors, and not the characters they played. I guess this means that the actors played themselves, but that still doesn’t help the viewer at all. It might be worth pointing out that the credits refer to the “Editors”, implying there is more than one, but the only listed editor is a kid named Jaren, who just so happens to be the cameraman as well. Go figure.

Following the credits is a blooper reel, which seems to be an obligatory included feature in all school film projects these days. Funnily enough, the bloopers are almost completely indistinguishable from the actual film, in terms of acting and quality.

So, in conclusion, I hate children. Lady fans, if you plan on getting in my pants, bring condoms; I don’t carry them.

How do you deal with solicitors in a manner that is truely blackmetal? What if the solicitors are religious? Find out how Marvin Murkk and Billy Blasphemer do it in ‘Metalheads and Jehovah’s Witnesses’

So, the video opens innocently enough. Christmas Tree, television playing the Flintstones, and then we are introduced to our antagonists; Two men in full black metal facepaint playing Scrabble. And it is at this point the director decides to go for the obvious “Scrabble board” gag. Among the words on the board are such clever gag words as “Nihil”, “Grim”, “Satan”, and “Lucifer”. Clever, right?

As one character begins to speak, the camera abruptly cuts to what I assume is intended as an establishing shot of one character, but as the shot lasts for less than a second before changing to the other black metal guy, it fails in doing so and only serves to demonstrate just how fucking incompetent the editor is.

After another gag in which generic black metal faggot with the tuft references some other black metal terminology that I honestly know just barely enough about to write a review of this video, our “heroes” are taken off guard by an off-screen knock at the door. Just in case you weren’t sure if it was actual knocking, the editor makes sure to follow it up immediately with another shot of a hand knocking at the door, simultaneously establishing our two new characters. However, once again, the shot lasts for less than a second; Hardly ample time to qualify as an establishing shot.

The black metal guys creep towards the door in a poorly lit room, approaching a window upon which the camera focuses. You know what? I’m sick of not knowing what to call these black metal faggots. It might be nice if somewhere in the establishing first 50 seconds of the video, we could learn the names of the characters or something. So, until the writer informs me otherwise, our two heroes are “Tufty” and “Lippy”.

So, Tufty and Lippy peer out the window to find two Jehovah’s witnesses at their door. This is established by a series of close up shots on their business suits, a book with an illegible title due to poor lighting and camerawork, and smug demeanors. Of course, Tufty and Lippy do not immediately pick up on these totally OBVIOUS clues [or at least obvious to the writer], and proceed to debate on who exactly these strange men are. They are able to discern that they are “religious”, based on I have absolutely no idea, and are able to rule out their being Mormon based on a one second shot of the car we are to assume they rode in on.

After ruling out Mormons, obviously the only fucking choice left is “Jehovah Witness”, and they nail it. Good for them. Lippy is not pleased. This is revealed by a drawn out scream shot, complete with melodramatic falling to the floor and screaming. After an unnecessary fade to black transition [which I admit is at least a step above being assaulted by random 1 second interjection shots], a dialogue occurs between our two witnesses. Once again, no names, but it is revealed that our witness on the left [who I shall call “Mario”] has bad breath, and our man on the right [who I shall call “Luigi”] is capable of contorting his face until it resembles that of a wrinkled baby’s. And, similarly to Tufty and Lippy on the inside, neither of them appears to have taken an acting class a day of their lives.

Tufty and Lippy have some difficulty deciding how to deal with the witnesses. Tufty suggests cannibalism, but Lippy retorts that it would only bring them back next week. What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean? Do they mean some sort of fucking search party will come looking for them? Do they mean the police? Who the fuck knows; The writer thinks we should, so for the sake of getting this over with, let’s pretend we know what the fuck he’s talking about. Tufty and Lippy decide the best course of action is to scare the pair away, and we are taken back to Mario and Luigi for another HILARIOUS dialogue, which I suppose is there to suggest that Jehovah’s Witnesses are persistent in their peddling of their religion. This is news to me.

Black metal music begins to play, and actually, it just so happens that as the music begins, all other noise stops. This was either intended, in which case, it is a completely unnecessary effect, or an effect of the editors inability to combine music and sound layers within his video editing program. Tufty and Lippy assault Mario and Luigi, who retreat to their car. Mario is reluctant to start the car, because “bad things always happen” when he starts the car, supposedly. If this is the case, why didn’t fucking Luigi come in on the driver’s side? They set themselves up for trouble, and sure enough, once the car is started, Luigi has been magically transported outside of the car and replaced by Tufty.

You know, I was almost sure I heard Tufty say the plan was to scare Mario and Luigi away, yet in the scenes to follow, they seem hell bent on killing the Jehovah Witnesses. If you plan is to fucking scare them, send them back, and have them tell their friends not to come to your house, it doesn’t work if the victims of your scorn are FUCKING DEAD.

After a poorly choreographed cutscene between Tufty and Luigi, Mario and Luigi do manage to escape, though Tufty and Lippy still follow them for a few paces until they remember how fat they are, and how long the extension cord on their mother’s camcorder extends, and they decide to call it quits.

We are finally at the credits scroll, which does little to alleviate the confusion of the actual names of the characters, opting instead to show the first names of the actors over a montage of footage from the movie. Nice work, assholes. After the credits, comes an unintelligible scene with Tufty and Lippy sharing dialogue over the sound of a fan in the background, followed by the sound of a doorbell, followed by the video cutting off abruptly without as much as a fade to black or proper ending card (another editor’s problem?). This is, of course, followed by me closing out my browser window, and watching a real movie. Preferably something with gratuitous violence so I can juxtaposition the head of Sage Wright, the man behind this abomination, onto whoever is getting killed on-screen.