Films For the Fustilarian

Countdowns are a staple of internet video sharing and hosting sites. Who can resist the allure and the speculation of what one or many may consider to be the best or the worst of a certain subject? Well, if you watch enough of these half-assed clip countdowns on Youtube with the least possible effort put into them and the worst editing this side of a shitty anime music video, you’ll begin to question the possibility of any sort of quality being able to come out of one of these videos. Don’t let the trash fool you, however, as there is hope for this filmmaker’s fad.

In this video, I demonstrate some of the qualities which can make for a decent piece of video countdown. Of course, the first and foremost consideration you must make is that your subject matter is in some way interesting, or that it will appeal to at least some audience. This usually isn’t too hard a concept to grasp, and it seems one might have to go out of their way to find something so uninteresting that nobody will be willing to watch it. If you’re possibly thinking of doing countdowns on a regular basis, for your namesake or your video genre of choice, I recommend starting off with something music or film related: People will always flock to anything with the chance of hearing some of their favorite music or watching clips from their favorite piece of cinema.

Speaking of which, if you plan on doing a countdown on some specific form of media, make sure to include video clips or audio from it! You wouldn’t believe how many utterly useless videos there are out there counting down an editor’s favorite songs, without actually incorporating audio from the songs! If you can’t secure footage of the subject you wish to bring up, what’s the fucking point of making the video in the first place? And no, screenshots from your favorite games and movies do NOT count: Provide video, or don’t bother. If you absolutely need to include a screenshot, make sure it is there to supplement the video footage.

If there’s one thing I absolutely detest in a video countdown, namely for movies and games, it’s fucking walls of text that cover the screen in the form of editor commentary. If you’re going to provide us with some “witty observations”, do it with your fucking voice or don’t do it at all: Text is distracting, and takes away from the video that is playing out. The only time notation is acceptable is for musical countdowns, where your grating voice might take away from the music that is playing. Bear in mind, it’s within the realm of taste to not bore your viewer to death with any of your commentary at all, and just let them watch or listen.

That last bit doesn’t mean that you can get away without putting ANY text in. You’re still going to need a proper introduction which sets up the clips you are about to show, as well as numbering between each clip to note what the order is and the current progress into the video. You should also find it necessary to cite the source and the title of the material used in the video. This may mean having a brief window or bit of text at the bottom of the screen which provides this information, before fading away and allowing the video to become the viewer’s subject again. If you feel the need to incorporate some graphic along with the text, by all means do so, but ensure that it is not too distracting from the video or that it is not so large as to fill the entire screen as the video is playing.

There are many other measures one may take to ensure their countdown is of an optimal quality, but with any luck these [what should be by now] common sense tips should help you to make something more watchable or interesting than eighty percent of the other awful countdowns on Youtube. I admit, my video countdown might not be perfection, but then again, what is? Just consider this a bit of an advertisement for a great channel that you should really check out if you love the whole “video riffing” genre.

Retsupurae’s Youtube Channel

I apologize for the lack of recent updates, both content-wise and news-wise. I’ve been a bit under the weather for the past few weeks, which renders me unable to do much commentary-wise for the big Ax ‘Em review: A lot of coughing and all, which I figure nobody wants to listen to during an audio commentary. Other than that, I’ve also been pretty busy with leaving DHC and trying to gather my bearings. I don’t mean to use this webspace to whine and make excuses, so if you are seriously interested in what I’ve been doing the past few weeks, you can just go ahead and read it on my devBlog.

As far as actual updates for this page go, I have a few new Youtube reviews in the works, including one which is already almost half-written. There are a few others which are simply in the planning stage in the moment, but they will come in the near future. As far as the Ax ‘Em commentary goes, I’d say you might be able to expect that to come in early December at the soonest, early January at the latest. See? None of that is dreadfully too long now, is it?

Keep checking back here, on the Youtube video channel, and on the devBlog for updates.

I’m back already? I’m surprised too! Here’s the first of maybe a few short little reviews before the Ax ‘Em mega review comes out.

The Dark Knight was a solid movie, I’ll admit. I’ll always be more of a fan of the Jack Nicholson Joker, but I have to admit Heath Ledger put on quite a show. The expert camerawork and well-written dialogue didn’t hurt the movie, either. Probably one of the best scenes in the movie is the confrontation between the Joker and Batman in the interrogation room, with both characters and at ends with one another and their respective actors putting on great performances. Great scene from a great movie. Now, with all that out of the way, here’s a shitty fan tribute which relies on one joke being told a hundred times with almost no variation and almost no comedic effect.

The thing to know about the movie is, Bruce Wayne disguises his voice when he is acting as the Batman, and many would argue that the extent to which he alters his voice borders on ridiculous. Apparently, MonkeyandApple feels it crosses this line, and thought to himself that he could make an entire 3 minute video about it. While the costume work in this fan video is fine, with some close-enough replica costumes on our actor (Yes, it’s the same guy playing both roles), and the acting could probably be worse, it is still a very flawed piece of work. The worst offense, as I mentioned before, is that the video consists of the same joke over and over again. Batman says his line, the Joker tells him he doesn’t understand it. Rinse, lather, repeat. They both try each others patience, and eventually, we are introduced to a new physical gag nearly halfway through the video, when the Batman punches the Joker in the face. Then, the video continues with these two repeating gags, with Batman saying something, the Joker not understanding it, and Batman punching the Joker in the face. It gets old quick.

Another thing: Couldn’t he have done a bit more with his little green screen? The entire video consists of two repeating shots, from the same angles, on top of the same two backgrounds. I know there’s not much one can do with limited space and limited effects, but he could have at least had a shot or two with the Joker and Batman in the same shot. It’s not that hard to do with green screen footage, and minimal video editing / chroma key experience. At the very least, insisting that both characters never be in the same shot, he could have at least had the angle shift once or twice, or maybe show us a character from the back for a second. The only place to pin the blame on this is laziness, as he is obviously experienced enough to understand the concept of a “green screen”, and thus should be able to figure out how to move his camera.

All in all, what could have been a decently professional piece, which sadly falls under the categories of “lost potential” and “pure laziness”. Better luck next time, kiddo.

Yeah, a temporary hiatus this early in the site’s life? What the hell am I thinking? Well, I’ll tell you what I’m thinking: Massive, major, complete walkthrough and review of an actual movie. Well, really, when I say movie, I mean straight-to-DVD. And, actually, when I say straight-to-DVD, I mean a movie that was shot in 1990 and shelved until 2002, when it was released onto DVD and VHS. That’s right, I’m going to attempt to tackle Michael Mfume’s classic: Ax ‘Em.

Yeah, I sort of hinted at it in the last article, but let it be known that I am working on a full review / walkthrough of this catastrophe. I’ve owned it on DVD for some time, actually, as it sits next to Manos the Hands of Fate in my DVD collection. Because, where else would you sit something as bad as Ax ‘Em, other than the most widely accepted awful movie of all time? But wait a minute, I know what you might be thinking. If I have Manos, why bother with such an obscure bit of shit as Ax ‘Em? Well, the question answers itself: It’s because it’s so obscure, and Manos is so widely known. Manos already got served by Mystery Science Theater 3000 and every other bad movie review site, whereas Ax ‘Em has been seen by all of maybe 400 people. Also, as far as I’m concerned, and from having watched both films multiple times (I don’t know why either), Ax ‘Em beats Manos as the “worst of all time”.

I might even be breaking my promise of going on break, serving up a few short Youtube video reviews, or maybe even trying my hand at a music video review or two. Or then again, maybe I won’t. I’m totally unpredictable like that, you know? Stay tuned for that full review though, and see if I update at all before it.