Thursday, October 2, 2008
Update in the Brief: CrySpace Safari
I decided to do a bit of a pseudoscientific experiment: Make a “quiz” for people to determine “what metal band” they are. In actuality, it was so I could determine what average people favor in “metal”. That is, plastic-lifestyle radio metal.
One thing I forgot to factor into the quiz results were the people who would prefer music for things other than appearance. This experiment assumes that these people were intelligent enough to find this quiz stupid and unappealing, and so they would close it immediately and reconsider why they were wasting their time taking quizzes on myspace.
To the date of this article’s writing, 208 people have willingly participated in this experiment. At least 5 of those people were upset enough by the truth behind their results to leave some tasteless (but otherwise amusing) comments, and rightly so. I’d pin the blame on whoever I could if I discovered that I had poor taste in metal.
Here are some of the responses that people made after receiving their ever-so-accurate results:
Friday, July 18, 2008
TEH METAL CLUBHAUS
So you wanna be one of the cool kids? You think you’re fucking awesome because you listen to the latest bands on the cover of Metal Maniacs? THINK AGAIN. You’re a pice of shit because you’re not part of the Club666: Extreme Metal Clubhouse. And you never will be.
That’s right, you’re not fucking invited. Queer.
We don’t give a spiraling shitstream if you want to be a part of it. You simply aren’t as cool as us.
Face it, even if you like some of the same bands we do, like Opeth and Cryptopsy (and we don’t), they just suck. I mean, we have to formulate our own unique opinions, right? Otherwise we’ll look like conforming sheep. If you want to be part of the club, you have to form your own opinions. If they’re the same as ours, we’ll call you a sheep. If they’re different, we’ll call you a reactionary fag for trying too hard to be unique.
You know why we don’t care that much about our clubhouse? Metal sucks, it’s just a bunch of fat hippies who like to wear black band shirts, yell loudly, and play really fast with the same notes over and over again. We just listen to it and have a club for it because it’s better than hanging out with those scene kids. Actually, it’s not… their music is very passionate and cool, and I respect that. At least it’s not pretentious like Gorguts who tried to make their music sound like classical or some faggot shit like that.
But I digress.
This club isn’t here because it’s about discussing metal like it’s an art or something gay and smug like that. There’s places where pretentious faggots like you can go discuss the merits of metal like the homosexual armchair philosophers you are, and Club667: Extreme Metal Clubhouse isn’t one of them. This club is here because you’re not a part of it, and we’re better than you just because of that fact.
“And why is the club so important then,” you may ask.
Let’s put it bluntly: Everyone wants to rule their own little empire on the internet from their basement command center in their parent’s house. Even if it does no good for everyone else, you can’t criticize it because you’re not part of it.
Go back to playing Gaia and listening to Metallica, kid. We’re in the BIG LEAGES.
Friday, June 20, 2008
METAL IS ALL ONE GENRE!!1
the classic satire, as originally seen on last.fm: METAL IS ALL ONE GENRE >:(
BY DAVID COHEN-FRIEDMANBERGSTEINGOLDOWITZBERG, AGED 13
Metal is one genre which consists of the following subgenres:
Hair metal/glam metal - where all the male band members dress like women, to ironically show how hyper-masculine and heterosexual they are, so they influenced indie rock. I think these guys were heroic, doing the things they were during a time when there was no freedom in America, and Tipper Gore didn’t want you to listen to porno music. They also ushered in the LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender) movement, and then nu-metal caught on where these guys left off. The best bands are Poison, Twisted Sister, and Motley Crue.
Nu-metal/post-alternative rapcore - Where
Nice
Individuals
Got
Gigs; (usually from their record label)
Every
Radio
Station that played alternative rock is likely to play these too. Basically, they combined rap with older forms of punk like Green Day and Metallica but with ultra-distorted guitars and harsh voices, but not as harsh as screamo but still just as cool ^^. I like how diverse they were, combining such diverse genres like rap with something so different as hip hop, and even, OMG, rock.
The first band to mix the genres (not to mention they are Jewish):
Newer Rock/hiphop/metal:
They are like the new Mozarts of music, inventing new genres like heavy metal and jazz with Ozzy Osbourne and Coldplay. The best nu-metal bands are Korn, Slipknot, System of a Down, and the best rapcore artists are Cryptopsy, Rage Against the Machine, and Linkin Park.
Screamo/metalcore - These guys are the coolest. They combine the dress of the glam metal and the cool hardness of the nu-metal (or post-alternative rapcore) people and made it into screamo and metalcore.
Look at this good example of their cool haircuts and mixing of styles.
They make really sad songs that remind me of when I broke up with my girlfriend but I sometimes buy rubber cement glue and the smell makes me feel better with the music too. bands like Panic! At the Disco, As I Lay Dying, and Norma Jean are my favorite from this genre, even if some of the bands are Christian. I forgive them for killing us and lying about Christ being the Anointed One.
brutal death metal - I listen to these guys whenever I want to get SUPER pumped up for something, like the quizzes we have on Friday at school. Sometimes they sing about really gross things. But they have the Parental Advisory warning on the front cover so you know what you are in for. My mom doesn’t care what I listen to though because she says I am already messed up and I am no longer her son. I don’t know what makes her think that though. One thing for sure, the rabbi doesn’t want me to listen to this on the Sabbath, and I make sure I don’t because it might bring me too close to Satan or something spooky like that, but as a good Jewish boy, I know that we made up Satan as part of our religion as a metaphor for evil things to keep us from bad stuff like non-Kosher foods.
Death metal likes Hebrew mythology:
My favorite death metal bands are Trivium, Dethklok, Avenged Sevenfold, and Cannibal Corpse.
Cannibal Corpse are the HEAVIEST EVER!!!!!!!!
George “CORPSEGRINDER” Fisher has such a brutal face. I have a friend, and she has a brutal face like him too, and a lot of her friends in her special class look soooo BRUTAL!! They both like death metal, and they shake their heads fast to the music, but her caretakers don’t like it when she does it so I have to run away sometimes.
liberal democrat black metal - I like this one because it is Pro-Jewish, because I am a young Jewling who will grow up into an Attorney at Law and I will fight for the colony to the death against the gentile scum. It is the opposite of that meanie NSBM (Nazi Black Metal) who are racist and bigoted and have no right to say what they want because it is offensive. Liberal Democrat Black Metal teaches you tolerance and acceptance, and that if you are against Jews and Hebrews and Israel, you will get bopped in the schnozz.
This is a rebel LBDM musician from the band Mordichai’s Muslim Mass-Murder (MMMM), and to show how rebellious he is, he put a blasphemous statement on his sign to show how tr00 he is.
Some of my favorite LibDem Black Metal bands include Impaled Northern Moonforest, Cradle of Filth, and Venom.
